I made it through. Whew.

The holidays have come and gone (mostly.)

And we are all still alive. Those of us with chilluns should be seriously glad we got through the post-holiday door in one piece.

Because every year, I'm not really sure I'm going to make it. But this year, I made a vow to not let it stress me out. I admit, I stressed some. BUT, it was nothing like years past when I have been crying all night on Christmas Eve while trying to make some gift project work that never had a chance in the first place.

I'm really, really excited about the New Year. I always am.

I posted in my local homeschool email list about a problem I was having. Basically, the Head Start program that Rowan is in by choice is teaching her religious stuff, which I am uncomfortable with. At the same time, I'm really nervous about just keeping her home. After talking with her teachers, and after Ro's grandma calling the administrator and complaining, I think we won't have to worry about the religious overtone too much anymore. My concern was that in a school environment, she'd be taking everything literally as 4-year-olds do. Due to a lot of really personal factors, I think there's a good chance that I won't be pulling her out of there immediately. (I really don't know yet. I'm ultra freaked.)

At any rate I posted to the email group... Ren asked me what I was scared of in regards to pulling her out. I told her basically I just can't seem to get it together, I have no routine. Unschooling can be a really unstructured lifestyle, I know, but I still feel like I need a personal routine to keep the mess down and to take care of myself. I mentioned how I do really awesome at the start of the year, with resolutions and all. Her response: (I don't think she'll mind me posting this here.)

Here's a suggestion...take it how you choose:
Don't make resolutions. Stop making big promises for change. I think
they set people up for failure. Then you get to feel crappy about
yourself and your inablitity to keep the resolution and it adds to
your vision of you as a failure. Why do that to yourself?

I think if something is worth changing in your life, it's worth
changing today. If something is worth doing, do it now. Or work
towards it. We don't need New Year's or big sweeping resolutions to
live better. We need to just take action where we can in this moment.

The next time a situation arises that can cause stress, or behavior
you'd like to change just think of two options and choose the best one
in that moment. Lives are changed in those small choices, in those
seemingly minor situations. One better choice at at time, we build the
life of our choosing. Forget those resolutions and just promise to be
good to yourself.

So that's what I've been doing today. Just trying to be good to myself. I put together the elliptical my mom got me for Christmas, and took a spin on it. I made some tea upon waking instead of the harsh coffee. (I know you guys were eager to hear about how staying caffeinated with coffee was working as an experiment. Not well! Grah! I've been so irritable!)

I read a book cover to cover in one day a couple days back called Living the Creative Life (ideas and inspiration from working artists), by Ricë Freeman Zachary. From this book, I've started to see what I do when I'm making my little monsters and dolls is an act of creation that is not just crafty-- it's art. I've sold the three items that were in my Etsy shop last month and I've got a few more going on commission. I'm really excited about the upcoming year because I know I will be able to pursue my artistry, maybe write some more songs, maybe come up with more designs, who knows, we'll see.

I'm really frighteningly optimistic. I've got people who know me well. They've got my back. The gifts I got this year were really suited for me-- and I couldn't think of anything when my parents asked me what I wanted. I got a box of clementines, an elliptical, a telescope, a wooden Labyrinth game. A lot of chocolate and tangerines. I went out to lunch on my birthday with my mom. An actual steak in an actual restaurant, just me and my mom. Awesome, awesome times.

Last night, I figured I should buy something for me with the money I'd been given over the holidays. It was what those who gave it to me wanted! So I bought a journal. It fits my specifications: Made in the USA and hardback, spiral-bound, unlined pages.

Being good to me, and my babies, is what I need to focus on. I have to take it moment by moment, with a lot of that pigheaded determination that I showed while learning to knit. Being good to me means being mindful, being good to all of us means developing a routine worthy of my time.

Festivus

What is one to do with bulky weight, scratchier-than-Red-Heart acrylic yarn from the 70's?



You finger-knit a festive garland, of course!

I had a bag of wooden beads from the dollar store that were rough and looked like they were dyed with food coloring. They make it all the more festive. I did get a few splinters from the beads and the yarn was rough to work with as well, but I find it to be a sacrilege to waste yarn, no matter how horrible. It can always be used in something utilitarian.



You can find instructions for how to finger knit here. To use beads, string them all on the yarn with a needle before you start finger knitting. I placed my beads randomly every 2-4 rows. Finger knit until you reach a point where you would like to place a bead, slide the bead up until it's touching between your middle and ring finger, then just finger-knit the other two stitches as usual. The bead will be trapped in between stitches. I used an entire skien of yarn for this project, and it's probably about 8 feet long (although I haven't measured it). It only took me a couple of hours! Since it's made with sort of crappy yarn, you can even use it outside.

This would be a great project for an older child. My 4-year-old can finger knit but doesn't have the patience to do something this long. It's also a great way to take a breather from all the holiday knitting that you are feeling obligated to do.

I've been cross posting to both here and my knitting blog a lot lately. I may end up combining them-- but I lurve them both :/

Solstice Countdown

I made a little Advent calendar to count down to Solstice today, and I thought I'd share:








It's about 3 feet long, made up of 4x4 inch cardstock cards sewn together with crochet thread. I traced a cup for the circles, wrote some skeleton lettered numbers in pencil, threw in some random dots, and lined them with multiple colors of crayons. After the number 11 is the fire/sun shape-- a symbol of hope in the dead of winter. The circles are little pockets glued on the back in a semi circle, and each has a little piece of paper in it with many of the activities I mentioned in my last post about Solstice. This thing looks like it took forever. There were a lot of steps, sure, but it really didn't take me that long. I had the pieces of cardstock from one of those one pound mixed bags. And it folds up neatly into an accordion-style book-- I used two pieces of red cardstock that were a little bit bigger than the rest as end pieces.

As the winter approaches the days start getting shorter and shorter. Winter Solstice is when that process reverses-- it brings a promise of new light, longer days. The birth of a new Sun, symbolically speaking. (The birth of the Son/Sun is no coincidence.) I'm still having a hard time getting Rowan excited about it, but hopefully she'll come around.

Building Mutual Trust

Last week, the big ugly monster that lives in my voicebox did a lot of yelling. Maybe it was because we were all tired and grumpy and I was faced with the arduous task of cleaning up a week's worth of doing nothing (which didn't happen at all until this weekend).

No matter what the reason, I still am suffering through a lot of guilt. I could hear how the words coming out of my mouth were just not right, but I couldn't seem to stop.

Me: (all bubbly and excited) We're going to have a great time this year. We're celebrating Solstice and the usual Christmas stuff with the family. We're going to make Solstice decorations...
Rowan: I don't want to make Solstice decorations. I want to make Christmas decorations.
Me: Well, Christmas is just another way to celebrate Solstice--
Rowan: No it ISN'T! I want to make CHRISTMAS ornaments!
Me: Okay, well then I guess I'll just get back on the computer while you do that...
Rowan: (incoherent screaming)

Yeah, it wasn't pretty. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I usually turn into some kind of dictator this time of year. It's like... I start the new year out all gung-ho with my resolutions, but by the time September comes around, I'm seriously slacking, and by the time December comes around, I'm useless. I think what bothered me most about this conversation with Rowan was that she has just been flat out telling me, "NO, you're wrong. That's not the way it is," when I tell her a scientific fact, such as the world is round. I understand why she's doing this but it still grates against my nerves. How can I homeschool her if she doesn't trust me?

I was also just sinking into old ways, bad habits, this week. I would just make a big deal out of everything. I didn't try to find ways for Rowan to do what she wanted: i.e. sit in front of the rocking chair that the baby was standing in, while pushing it really hard. They both thought this was hilarious. I was on the phone with my mom and I couldn't hear myself think, and I just exploded. I had made her quit about seven times but she just kept on. I should have just found a way to keep the peace. Yes, it was a potentially dangerous situation, but I had reached a place where I would not have overreacted. Last week, I seem to have strayed far, far away from that place.

In about half an hour, I will be seeing Rowan again (she's been at her dad's since Saturday). I am much more refreshed, and I am going to do this Solstice Advent calendar thing with her starting tomorrow. I am not going to make a big deal out of it. I am not going to cringe when she says the word Christmas, I am just going to do my Solstice things and lead by example. Show her how cool it can be.

I have a long way to go.

Talking to her has been tricky lately. For a long time there after Dairbhre was born (that's Boo Bear, I'm just going to start using his name, yes, it's Gaelic, and we pronounce it DAR-bry even though the official pronunciation of it is something like "Dar-air-ry", and it means "oak forest", and it isn't really even a name, it's just a Gaelic word. So there's some background for you. See why I call him Boo Bear here? The thing is, when he was born, I could have changed it to something that fit him better, but he came out as DARBRY, just as bold as you please. His daddy has already written him an albums worth of songs using his name.)... okay... continuing... so after Dairbhre was born... and even before, with the prenatal exhaustion, I was not the ideal parent. Okay, so I was a complete and total control freak meanie-head. She grew to not trust me. "You can't do this because of [insert random white lie here]." She is smart. She figured me out. She now questions everything I have to say. And I don't blame her!

So right now, we're working on building mutual trust, which takes time and nurturing. We have really really good days, that are just so blissful and lovely. Whole strings of these days in a row, even. Thing is, she's still wanting to go to Head Start (she'll be going there until it's over or until we move, a couple of months at least) and so I'm still having to be the bad guy by making sure she gets to bed early enough to get up in the morning. Right now she needs about 10-11 hours of sleep, or she's staring at the wall in the morning and not eating, or getting dressed, or anything else.

I don't want to be the bad guy anymore. I want to be Rowan's partner, to stand beside her as her equal and to help her find those things that fascinate her. Help her make sense of the world. She's such a bright light, and she's my girl, but she's also her own little girl.

I like that about her.

Gearing up for Solstice

In recent years I've gone through the motions of Christmas only for the kids, finding no personal relevance in the season. I've been depressed about it every time it comes around, I've rolled my eyes at the huge inflatable Santas, and I've felt phony even using the word Christmas.

For the last couple of days I've been researching Winter Solstice. I've learned that solstice means "sun stands still." I've found loads of ways to incorporate it into my kids' lives, through crafts and activities and songs and stories. I'm trying to build new traditions that will be remembered, but that don't make me feel weird or uncomfortable or phony.

I've also got a Solstice countdown calendar in my head which will transpire to paper eventually. Similar to the way an Advent calendar works, my Solstice calendar will start counting down on December 11, 11 days before Solstice. (It falls on December 22nd this year. And I just like the number 11.) Each day has a new activity on it:

Tues Dec 11th: set up Yule tree
Wed Dec 12th: make Solstice ornaments
Thur Dec 13th: make wreaths from evergreens *
Fri Dec 14th: make Yule goats *
Sat Dec 15th: Make Solstice jewelry *
Sun Dec 16th: (My birthday) cut paper snowflakes
Mon Dec 17th: Make a birdfeeder
Tues Dec 18th: make cookies and decorate them.
Wed Dec 19th: Yule cards
Thur Dec 20th: winter scene pictures with paper cutouts, crayons, glitter
Fri Dec 21st: ***SOLSTICE EVE*** Stay up until 1:09am, when Solstice begins. Drink, be merry, etc.
Sat Dec 22nd: Solstice! Family gathering already planned.

It's all still rather rough and up in the air-- there are random days that Rowan will be visiting her dad and I'll have to change things around. Some of the activities won't be any fun without her. The ones marked with an asterisk are the only ones I could think of doing without her! I think my calendar will have all these activities on cards with tape on the back so I can move them around. I'm making this up as I go along anyway.

I'm getting excited about the holidays for the first time since childhood! I have some really quick-knit gift ideas that I've already started on, toys mostly (they normally don't take longer than a day or so). That may seem like I'm waiting until the last minute, but I normally get all the materials with my birthday money and don't start until... December 23rd. So. I'm doing good this year.

I suppose I can either just celebrate Christmas on the outside and feel nothing internally or I can celebrate Solstice and feel some real meaning. This year, I choose to feel.

What a week it's been.

For an entire week, at least someone in my house has been sick with either strep (Rowan) or some sort of stomach flu (the rest of us). It's been just absolutely brutal. Poor Boo Bear had it the worst-- he was throwing up from Thursday to Monday night. The strep culture at the doc's today was negative, so I think it's possibly blown over.

We are all still really weak and tired. I gave the kids all my love and energy and doting upon the first part of the week, and when I got sick I didn't have anything left for me. I didn't eat more than a banana and a piece of toast all weekend, and when my appetite is poor, that's really saying something! I took two naps today. Boo Bear is seeming kind of frail too. At the doc's he just sat on my lap for most of the time while I bounced him.

I'm just now trying to get the gumption to clean up the debris of the last week. I have been reading blogs but haven't left comments because I have seriously misplaced my brain!

Thanks for being such a sweetheart, Colleen :D Just when I thought that no one would notice my absence!

I will post more real content when I am feeling 100%. It'll be sometime in the next couple of days.