Tying it all together

I am so hyper-focused, on one thing at a time. I get obsessed about my health, or knitting, or the state of my house, or parenting, and to hell with all the rest.

I made my first turkey last night. Which means I am now a grown up. I need to start trying to manage life. No, not try, I need to start doing it.

I've noticed the last few days that I've been less likely to go outside or actually DO anything because I can't find clean socks for anyone without digging through boxes. I'm less likely to make something nutritious because I have to clean up the kitchen to cook. I'm less likely to delve into a new knitting idea because I'd have to get all the stuff from on top of my yarn box and then dig through the tangled mess. It's ridiculous. Something must be done.

But I come New! and Improved! and armed with caffeine. I've had a hell of a time getting myself to get out of bed in the mornings, so I've decided I must start drinking coffee first thing again-- and remain caffeinated throughout the day. It's way better than laying in the floor.

I must return to the FlyLady as well... as much as I hate to admit that I need help.

Next I can add stuff like actually moving (i.e. getting exercise). But first I think I'll trade all my vices for more coffee.

Yeah. That's a good idea. I'm sure that will work itself out.

Video post

Now, you'll have to bear with me. I've never done a video post before. But I've been cruising YouTube today (man, I'm behind the times) and find these videos to be endearing and spot on.

Ron Paul on Homeschooling


I'm not sure how I feel about Ron Paul as a presidential candidate as I honestly haven't researched any candidates yet, but I really like his views on homeschooling.


Dayna Martin-- "What is Unschooling?"


Dayna Martin-- "Is Unschooling Legal? and Peaceful Parenting"


Dayna Martin-- "Authentic Parenting"


Dayna Martin-- "Are Unschoolers prepared for the Real World?"


Dayna Martin-- "What is Radical Unschooling?"


You can see more Dayna Martin videos here.

It's probably time to stop watching educational videos on YouTube and go do something about the stinky kitchen.

Thanksgiving fuzzies

When Rowan got up yesterday (still all bleary eyed) I asked her what she was thankful for. I thought I might get an interesting answer out of the sleepy fog.

"I'm thankful for Thanksgiving," she said.

Well put, adorable mastermind.

We had a fabulous Thanksgiving. I'm thankful that I have such an interesting, kooky, and fun-to-be-with family, on both sides.

I wish someone would have taken pictures. The kids were all dressed up, and I don't dress them up very often. Rowan picked out her clothes (and was very insistent): she was dressed in a white crinkly dress with little pink roses and some fancy new white dress shoes. When she walked you could hear the dress going "swish, swish." Boo Bear was dressed in what appeared to be 19th century garb: a white linin shirt with a mandarin collar, and these velvet maroon pants that came up to his chest held by suspenders. He looked darling as well as sort of comical. When I was born my Mamaw Lucy said, "OH! I could just pinch her little head off!" I really FELT that yesterday. Strong urges like that must be avoided! :D

Surprisingly, I didn't eat much. It probably isn't that surprising when you consider that most of the time I was taking something breakable out of Boo Bear's hands, or someone's drink. I spent even more time trying to wind him down and let him take a nap, because all the people really, really overwhelmed him. Rowan went to her dad's after we left Grandmother's, and Boo Bear took a long, overdue nap. Then we ate a fourth of a pumpkin pie that was in the fridge, just me and the Boo. That made up for it all!

The Socialization Epidemic

Called the "s" question among homeschoolers, "What about social skills?" is a question that comes up over and over. I asked it myself, with a straight face and everything. As all of these posts are lately, this is just a good place to calm the nerves of my family. Their concerns are valid and need to be dealt with. I'm not exactly trying to be some published author here :D

I would never want my kids to be isolated. I'm not going to homeschool because I want to shelter them. It's just an opportunity that I've been given, to improve this next generation. I think that should be the goal of all generations-- and it is, but I want to take a different approach. Perhaps one that will work.

Although I'm not doing this to shelter my kids, I do think that a lot of the social interaction that kids get in school these days is altogether negative. I think there is a lot more greediness, bullying, and sitting at a desk and being silent than there is quality time spent together. At the end of a post entitled Socialization, the author says: And let's not forget the battle cry of teachers across the country..."Young lady, you're not here to socialize!"

That's really a great article altogether, and if you have concerns about socialization you should read it.

One of the concerns that a family member had was that the kids would miss out on positive peer pressure. The theory being that a child will feel weird about not learning something that all her peers are learning, and that pressure will make her learn it. I don't feel like that is positive. And furthermore, if that's a real concern, you need to understand that homeschooled kids DO get interaction with other kids, and perhaps they will want to learn what their other homeschooled friends are learning or even their schooly friends!

I've come to the conclusion that others say it much better than me. So, I give you some quotes on socialization that I have gotten from various blogs and other sources. I will be adding to this post as I find other great ones.

Do you have any fabulous things to say on the topic of socialization? A quote or a personal rant? If so, please leave them in the comments!

I found this the other day at a local news blog:
Now, the Tri-Cities homeschooling community is so big that parents have formed vibrant and active “co-op’s” in which homeschooled students gather for group activities like art, sports, science, and even band. In other words, the lack of peer to peer social contact no longer seems to be an issue. Don't Mess with the Homeschoolers, by Josh Smith.

Quit interrupting my kid at her dance lesson, scout meeting, choir practice, baseball game, art class, field trip, park day, music class, 4H club, or soccer lesson to ask her if as a homeschooler she ever gets to socialize. from The Bitter Homeschooler's Wish List

Explaining what I've learned thus far... Part II

Part of unschooling is definitely letting go of notions about what kind of learning is "important." I've read a lot on the topic of video games and TV lately, and how they not only do not rot your brain, but they are also learning tools. Very effective ones, even. Some kids are learning to read by playing games, and some of the more interactive games are teaching kids problem solving, character/plot/world building, even math skills. The games that can be played online give kids an opportunity to be social with peers from all over the world. These games are much more complex than people give them credit for. For those not in the know (like ME) these games can seem like they are junk food for the brain. On closer inspection, you can really see how difficult some of them are. They are also giving kids an opportunity to connect with their peers and getting them ready for life in the 21st century. They will be more ready for it than I am!

Rowan isn't into the games so much right now, but I have noticed that she is learning by watching TV. We watch Futurama on DVD a lot around here. (Some of the episodes are sexier than others, we switch to the next one in that case.) I have been sitting with her and asking her questions about what is going on. By doing this, I've learned that she is following some really complex plots. I'm not sure I would have known what was going on at that age. One thing that I think is really cute and impressive is that now she is really into stuff like space monsters, mutants, robots, aliens, spaceships, etc. She is all the time drawing robots. These are the basics of a lot of science fiction story lines. When she gets older she may be more into stuff like Star Trek or Star Wars because of this early exposure to Futurama, and that could lead to really complex science fiction novels and video games. A love of science fiction can lead to a love of science, even a profession in science. I'm not saying that it will definitely, but it's just as possible as anything else.

It's really important to examine those things that I've thought in the past were just garbage and completely un-educational. So she likes Barbies. I thought before that they were teaching her how women are supposed to look (even though Barbie has a completely impossible shape), that they were making her into a material person, etc. Then I remembered. Hey, I used to play with Barbies for hours at a time. What was I doing while I was playing with them? I wasn't getting up every five minutes to go ask my mom to buy me some more. I was creating very complex plots and stories. And really, I sort of wish I could get over how weird I'd feel if I tried to play with them again. These days I cannot come up with a simple storyline, at all. Maybe if I tried to play with dolls again, I would!

She's also very into coloring right now. She does do drawings, some of them still resembling baby scribbles, but she is mostly working out of coloring books. She's actually getting really good and will color for an hour or longer some days. If a character on the page has a striped shirt, she's coloring all the stripes. It's also interesting to see how changing one color on the page can make the entire picture seem like it has a different story, give it a whole new perspective. Looking over her finished product is always very fun, because I can tell that she perceived the picture very differently than I did on first glance.

My girl is learning while watching TV and coloring, there is no doubt. She likes to turn on Buddy Holly and dance. She tries to yodel like Patsy Montana. She says, "Hey listen to this, I wrote this song." She's altogether very bright and creative, and I'm glad that I am no longer focusing on the negative aspects of her interests.

It totally WAS a Superhero Day.

At the end of my very cool day, I found that Colleen passed along the Wonder Woman award to me. Hooray! Don't I feel like a superhero now! Thanks Colleen! Your blog is quite the fascinating read and I appreciate you passing the torch to me. I'll be sure to pass it along to the next deserving soul :D

My day was totally awesome because I had some visitors. Laura came over with her three awesome kids-- Sadie (7), Silas(10), and Samuel(12). I hadn't met them before, and I was a little nervous about them getting bored in my tiny apartment in the middle of nowhere, but hey, these are not conventional kids! My worries were all in vain, as my baby was the boys' greatest entertainment. They sat and played with bouncy balls and lids from baby food jars with him, and they were all three cracking up. Boo Bear really loved hanging out with them! Rowan stole away with Sadie to her room where the Barbie house lives. I would have never expected that kids of such different age groups could get along so well. I mean, that's what I've read, but to experience it firsthand was pretty amazing.

I was really impressed with those kids. They were so courteous and sweet! I made some tasty muffins to share, and they all said "Thank you so much!" so sincerely, both when the muffins were passed out and then when the plates were collected. I was also totally impressed with the way Laura interacted with her kids, she's just old pals with them, and you could really see it. They are an inspiring bunch! It's awesome to see real live unschoolers in action. I hope to see you guys again soon! :D

Explaining what I've learned thus far

"This unschooling thing is just too unstructured for my comfort level." Rowan's father said something to this effect tonight.

I said this same thing about a month ago. Maybe it was the local unschooling group I found on Yahoo Groups that really sparked my interest, but I joined a few other unschooling discussion groups. It has taken me an entire month of reading the boards to learn what the word "unschool" means. I thought I'd write a post just to explain what I've learned these last few weeks, for the benefit of my family. I feel I still have a long way to go practice-wise, but I think I understand the theory.

For me, unschooling is a light at the end of the tunnel-- the tunnel being a very long and harsh period of being a complete control freak. It is the opposite end of the spectrum of traditional parenting. As many people find when they first start learning about unschooling, it is not just an educational philosophy-- it's a life that is built around choices, which leads to problem solving, decision making, an inner trust in the Self. It is a method that tosses out things like workbooks, traditional textbooks, or even "school at home."

I think about my strong-willed child, Rowan. She is 4, and already displaying serious rebellion to things that she finds unimportant. Recently I've come to find that the daily battles are really not worth it. Battling with her does not make her respect me. It makes her rebel stronger. I have also come to rid myself of my expectations of her, present and future. She is her own person; maybe one day she will want to go to college, maybe she will want to stay home and raise a family, maybe she will decide to live on the river and play music all day. I don't know who she will become, but I do know that I want her to be able to feel strong in her choices, and feel good about the decisions she makes.

I sat down with Rowan once with a letters workbook. I wanted her to learn to write, as she had displayed a lot of interest in it. I tried to show her how to trace the letters in the book, how to write her own on the lines. She didn't understand those lines. She didn't understand that she was supposed to write AAAAAA all in a row, in between those two solid lines, centering them in the middle of the dotted line. It drove her crazy, it drove me even crazier. We both left the table in tears, and I proclaimed that I was never going to try to teach her again.



A few months later, Rowan is now writing for fun. "Mommy, how do you spell horse?" she asks me one day while we're in the car. With a pen and a stray envelope that I found on the floorboard she writes "H. O. R. S. E." She hands it to the front seat to me. "Wow," I say, "That's really great. But your E has about 8 lines sticking off of it, it only needs 3."

"It's a super-E," she says. I laughed until I thought I'd die and showed everyone I knew the results, and told the story over the next few days. She is full of these fabulous comebacks.

She writes for fun. She asks me how to spell everything. Her writing is chaotically beautiful. She's passionately interested in it, I can feel how much she desires to learn. She shows far more interest in writing and spelling than she does in actual reading. And I'm fine with that. This will lead to reading. But I know that if I were to insist that she fit the letters in the lines, that she would resist me. She would say, "I don't want to do that." She would put down the pencil, and be completely discouraged from writing for a long time. I don't want to kill that fire, that beautiful interest, that freeform handwriting.

Perhaps in school they could put my little one in a box, show her how to conform. But why would I want that?

I want her to have choices. Some ask me if I'll let her go to school if she wants to. Of course I will. But I feel confident that after this Head Start business is over, and she spends a summer at home in our new direction, that she'll see how different it can all be. If not, then I feel confident that she will ask to come home once she sees how boring it is, and how happy her little brother is. I feel confident that Boo Bear will never ask to go to school. I have a gut feeling about that one.

As for the unstructured-ness... that's one thing that repelled me about unschooling when I first started reading about it. But I've come to realize that unschooling does not mean entirely unstructured. Some unschooled children crave structure, much to the dismay of their parents. In the interest of "child-led learning" the parents accomadate that need. Structure also implies a daily routine, an order to things, which is possible to an unschooling life. I personally do not agree with a set bedtime (anymore). I find that Rowan sleeps much better when she is allowed to go to bed when she is tired. So what if it's after midnight? Her mother and her father are both night owls, and there have been studies lately saying that can be hereditary. (By the way, she knows all about nocturnal. Tonight when I was telling her to get sleepy by thinking of the owls in the trees burying their little heads in their wings, she says, "Mom. Owls are nocturnal." To which I replied, "Why, yes they are, and you are a super genius.")

Okay, so if we're discussing structure in educational terms, and not just robotic person terms... I have some pretty strong views on the subject.

After reading an interview with John Holt, I have come to this conclusion (and this is really what he said, but it just really resonated with me.): To say that kids need to learn something that isn't interesting, that they'll never use, to teach them to think, implies very harshly to the child that they are not trusted with already knowing how to think. And after reading an article by one of the guys from Car Talk (the radio show on NPR), I realize that this is wrong, because it implies that subjects that kids ARE interested in are NOT making them think, or teaching them to think better.

Force-fed learning (i.e. grades, testing, being held back a grade as a sort of penance) is not the best way to educate a small child. To test a child implies that the child is not to be trusted with retaining knowledge. Testing kills the retaining of knowledge; they learn it for the test and it is soon forgotten. Testing and homework are ways for teachers to keep tabs on large groups of children. It is not effective when you spend a lot of one-on-one time with your child, and witness for yourself what your child is learning.

I feel that there will always be the questions, "What has she been learning?" I will ask myself that question, I will hear it from countless other people. To minimize the feeling that my children are not learning anything, I can keep a detailed journal. I can strew learning materials such as library books that may spark an interest, I can take them out to see the world and experience real things, I can have a plan, but not (as my pal Jessica says) "get my ego all wrapped up in it." I can answer Rowan's countless questions, which are already directed toward arithmetic ("Mommy, what's 2 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 1?"), science (she tells me all about the meaning of nocturnal, lists a huge list of nocturnal animals, and then challenges ME to add to the list), the arts (visual art so beautiful it moves me to tears, songwriting, the invention of instruments), and the spelling/writing that I've already mentioned. The subjects that I'm not so fresh on, I can always look up with her. This will give her the knowledge of how to learn things on her own. The subjects that she's not asked questions about, such as history, I can volunteer that information while we're visiting historic sites, telling her how people used to live.

I think that the whole "getting kids ready for college" thing is a complete load. That's a really heavy burden for a child, when you think about it. I have read countless articles lately about how some kids never get involved in math until they hit the teenage years and then are doing algebra within a week. Even the Waldorf schools teach kids to read at a later age (7 or 8) because the kids pick it up faster and with more gusto. There is no evidence that children who learn to read at an earlier age are smarter than children who read later. With all the spelling my girl is doing, I assume it won't be long before she's reading The Cat In The Hat. Shoving a bunch of boring busy work in a child's face and demanding that they do it is detrimental to the natural drive of learning that ALL children have. At a later age, when their brains are much more developed, they are able to figure it out quicker and it seems to stick longer.

And if Rowan decides she wants to go to college? She can start taking classes at the community college at age 16 if she wants, to get ready for the entry exams. She may pick it up fast and not have any problems. Perhaps she'll take awhile and not take the exams until she's 22. What harm is there in that? Why are we so hung up on ages in this country? Just because 18 is the legal adult age does not mean that we should be tossing our kids out on the streets, or badgering them to get a real job. Insanity.

My point to this college rant is that traditional school, and even this "school at home" is like some sort of strange boot camp that lasts throughout the entire childhood. It's supposed to ingrain respect (which cannot be demanded any more than love can) and self-discipline (which cannot be taught, as it comes from within), but it fails. Children who are not allowed to make choices will grow up to be adults who are unsure in every decision.

Unschool does not mean "uneducation."

Unschool does not mean unstructured.

Unschool does not mean unplanned.

Do not pay attention to the word, the label. Call it self-led learning if you want. And know that parents have the job of sparking the fires of interest, of ensuring the needs are met with arms full of materials, of always encouraging and answering questions.

And please. Do. Some. Research.

Stay tuned for my upcoming rant and comeback to the Socialization Epidemic.

Zen and the Art of Mothering

I've been really into The Dhammapada for a long time-- especially the translation by Thomas Byrom. It's so beautiful in its simplicity, and it stirs something deep within. But sometimes I feel that the Buddha is speaking for the sage, or other men, but not women, and especially not mothers. Passages like this led me to befuddlement:

Death overtakes the man
Who, giddy and distracted by the world,
Cares only for his flocks and his children,
Death fetches him away
As a flood carries off a sleeping village. (Chapter 20)

Around and around I went, trying to understand how a mother can follow the Dhamma, trying to "take some and leave the rest", yet wanting that inner calm so much that I kept going back, asking questions. Even with those parts that confused me, there were parts that were extremely helpful if I could keep them in mind. The most helpful verse is Chapter 17, Anger, from which this is taken:

Listen, Atula. This is not new,
It is an old saying -
"They blame you for being silent,
They blame you when you talk too much
And when you talk too little."
Whatever you do, they blame you.

That's a beautiful chapter, but there were just all these gaps. I got confused in regards to detachment in relation to mothering. I've not been one to follow anything religiously since I broke away from the church at age 14, but it seemed after awhile that to be calm, the way I wanted to be, you couldn't be a mother at the same time. Mindfulness was something that I really wanted to achieve-- but I actually came to the conclusion that I couldn't be mindful with loud children around, always needing something. If I was mindful during that, I thought, I would surely die of insanity.

Enter Mindful Parenting. It filled in the gaps, it has started to heal me. I can be peaceful and calm around my kids, even when they are a bit hyper and loud. I can be in the moment while coloring and playing with playdoh-- I don't have to sit there yawning and bored and detached. When I am feeling irritated, I can step back inside my mind and look at my thoughts go by, and can see that it all just stems from wanting to control. I can then put a stop to it before it begins.

I can choose to say, "It doesn't matter."

I can choose NOT to say, "No you can't, you'll get dirty," or "Just let me do it, it'll be faster."

I can choose. I woke up today to a sink full of dishes, and I chose to do them, not resentfully or begrudgingly. It's nice to have choices.

I can find inspiration and motivation in The Dhammapada. That doesn't mean that I have to feel bad for being born a woman who became a mother. I can rejoice.

So much love, such a little guy.

It strikes me sometimes how deeply my BooBear loves me. He loves all of me, entirely. He doesn't just see me as a milk-maker. He comes up to me when I'm at the computer, takes my hand, and starts pulling me away. I say, "Where are you taking me?" and his little face lights up. He takes me where he wants me to go, then lifts his little arms up to me to pick him up. With a fistful of my hair, he rubs it on his face, up his nose, making little cooing sounds. I bury my nose in his hair and breathe in the sweet baby fluff-- his hair is so floaty and grand.

I've been doing a nightly sling walk to get him to go to sleep. I drum on his back rhythmically, and he puts his arm inside the sling where it's all squished and confined-- yet right up against me, right where he wants to be. He falls asleep chanting a sweet little baby mantra of complete bliss.

I'm grateful every day that I have found a way to be more mindful, the result being these long stretches of beautiful, teary happiness.